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Archive for the ‘Environ-mental’ Category

Green, the Political Power

Posted by lofgray on April 15, 2008

Green was admitted into the burn trauma center at an Ohio Hospital over the weekend due to melting around the edges. Witnesses say he was muttering “Snowing in April,” repeatedly when admitted. The legendary environmental color is suffering from anxiety attacks due to stress, according to hospital staff. Greens doctor said, “Our favorite Color is recovering quickly and will suffer only minor burn scars.”

Like many celebrities before him Green may have lost control due to the weight of his career. Like a Hollywood starlet, Green plans to admit himself into rehab after his medical release from the Ohio facility. After rubbing shoulders with drug addicted debutants Green will return to his energy consuming palace in Washington DC to continue mingling with government officials. Green knowingly has the ear of the Speaker of the House, and this just in President Bush as well. Evidence of Pelosi’s attachments to green can be found in Bill H.R. 3221 and related articles where “Creating Green Jobs,” is clearly stated. While President Bush was reported in the NY Times to be planning to propose a bill in relation to Global Warming, details not yet included. Reportedly Bush’s actions are because of the Clean Air Act and disagreement with a Cap and Trade. (Woohoo someone disagrees) But, Green’s mental state couldn’t be improved by these events even after his GE florescent light bulbs were endorsed for monopoly over the favorable incandescent bulbs.

Nurses at the hospital have over heard Green’s staff soothing his waxy disposition with calming words. Such statements as, “People don’t know plants need CO2 to survive,” and “Our lobbyists won’t ever let them drill for oil in the Gulf or Alaska,” lead some nurses to believe evidence against Global Warming, and unproductive Energy Conservation methods are the main source of his breakdown. Few members of the staff present in Green’s care debate the issue. Ira Cycle a dietary assistant serving Green said, “He [Green] Is simply overwhelmed by the destruction the earth has faced at our evil human hands. His whole life has been dedicated to improving our environment even though many people choose only to harm it.”

The Crayola’s Cadet Blue said, “Green is suffering from a guilty conscience,” to reporters as he was leaving the building. Although Green has tried to distance himself from the sin of greed it appears it has caught up to him. Even his relation to passion didn’t improve his state of mind. If Cadet Blue’s statement were to be proven true by a psychologist, Green will have become the marketing mogul envied by heartless slimy salesmen across the country.


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Green, Cost of a Lifestyle.

Posted by lofgray on April 12, 2008

In a recent interview, Green was asked about his rural upbringing in the Crayola box of eight. Unfortunately for inquiring minds, green replied with “I don’t remember.” It is easy to see why our favorite color has selective memory. He traded in his paper wrapper for a more sophisticated designer label and moved away from the Crayola box altogether. Long gone are the days when Green could be seen chillin’ out in a VW van strumming away on a used guitar. He no longer marches at rallies or participates in free love concerts. Green reportedly has shunned the lower class completely. He ignores the broken used crayons in the inner cities and ostracizes those that are unable to participate in his trademark lifestyle. Has a loyal following of Senators, Celebrities, and fortune five hundred companies made Green a snob?

It may be only speculation and gossip that Green has become an elitist but, evidence still remains. The products and services Green Inc. provides costs well over all other brands. Organic milk costs twice as much as regular whole milk. Green cleaning products are also more expensive than the common brands. Since the introduction of ethanol fuel, gas prices have increased at record rates. Sure we can blame big oil but, we can’t ignore that Green is somehow involved.

Green Inc’s other product releases could also indicate his desire to associate with a higher class. Greenhome.com advertises a solar power and wind powered cell phone/I-pod charger for use in vehicles. Granted most automobiles have a rechargeable battery built in but, these chargers are stamped with the green lifestyle approval. A solar paneled backpack is also available to charge small electronic devices. Although possibly acceptable for a short hike where you wouldn’t need a charger, it appears insufficient in size for the practical seasoned camper. For the eco-friendly computer enthusiast Green Inc. also provides a 1G Firefly flash drive that decomposes easier than the traditional model.

Although some of Green’s products seem silly (compostable potato scrap cutlery) he may have hit a homerun with the MDI Air Powered CityCat recently advertised in Popular Mechanics. This revolutionary automobile is currently in preparation to be released in India. It may also be the only reasonably priced Green product with the current estimated price just under $13,000.

When we asked Green about these elitist allegations, legislative influence rumors, and price gouging practices his office was unable to respond. Shortly after our inquiry we were contacted by several faithful Green living followers who were more than willing to impose their beliefs, practices, and lifestyle upon us. When we humbly disagreed with their argument we were call several things which we cannot repeat here and threatened. To their disappointment this did not dispel any of the mentioned rumors. If anything their behavior only strengthens the argument.

Due to the mentioned threats this message will self destruct.

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Green, the Marketing Mogul.

Posted by lofgray on April 8, 2008

Once known as a humble color created with the primary pigments of blue and yellow, Green has become a major world power, marketing mogul, and lifestyle idol. Upon leaving the crayon box fifty years ago Green decided like many before him to make a name of himself. Where other colors have failed Green swore on his plastic sharpener to succeed.

With a scrutinizing point, Green watched the careers of Yellow in the caution industry, and the plateaued achievements of red in the stop industry. For some time he panhandled as the icon of “Go” yet Green wanted so much more. Following the American Dream, Green counseled with Blue and Pink, two of the most successful colors in infant marketing and set out on the campaign trail. At first goings were slow for Green. He associated himself not only with “Go” but the action of moving forward, and money. A minor setback with the envy and greed marketing plan led him to a mass gathering called Woodstock where several motivated investors took interested in his business.

With Green’s new found support, a wide spread marketing campaign and a ten year business plan were developed and utilized. He wedged his foot into the doors of gardening hobbies, habitual pot smokers, and environmentalists. Green’ merging with Earth Day was a major success enabling him to associate with such habits as recycling, catalytic converters and healthy living. With the new found success Green took time to protest against aerosol cans and Styrofoam use at Burger King. He lobbied for the protection of the O-zone layer and forests. He encouraged paper over plastic, biodegradable materials, and natural cotton and hemp. However, even with this business break though Green still wanted more for his career.

Destined to be a celebrity Green’s business branched out into several subsidiaries. Under the icon of a green leaf he pitched himself to the automobile industry. Under the name “organic” he was able to become involved with farming and the FDA. Green’s business adventure into energy conservation has been his greatest achievement. His subsidiary “Energy Star” involves everything from light bulbs to water heaters, kitchen appliances to bathroom faucets. Green’s products can be found at almost every store and almost every market promoting a cleaner, healthier, happier life for the earth and those upon it.

Today green is a house hold name. His policies are discussed in elementary schools and advertised on radio and television. Business offers fall at his door step, recent ones being in the construction industry and new energy sources. He has come a long way from the rural Crayola box of 8 becoming not only a marketing genius but an alternative lifestyle cult with a loyal following and a religion supplement. With no signs that Green’s progress will end we can only expect him to become more involved in our lives.

Green has received the endorsements of GE, CSX, Toyota, Nobel Prize winner Al Gore, presidential nominee John McCain, and The People’s Republic of California.

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