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Posts Tagged ‘Political Humor’

“Welcome to Sena-Mart”

Posted by lofgray on April 17, 2008

“Welcome to Sena-mart”

A new store is being built in your neighborhood guaranteed to provide a shopping experience like no other, based off of the legislation practices in the U.S. senate. You may not agree yet that doesn’t matter cause, we’re making it anyways and removing your favorite shopping locations so you’ll have to shop here. Don’t worry our research shows we know what’s best, and you don’t know a thing.

Sena-mart, much like a mall will provide all the goods and services you need.

Please note the following shopping policies…

  • Immigrants and minorities shop Monday – Friday at 75% off all products except gas, corn, and Cuban cigars.
  • For those making more than $70,000 a year sales signs don’t apply.
  • If you have five or more children and no job many products will be free, except birth control.
  • Those with a yearly income less than $20,000, five richer shoppers will be selected to shop with high “welfare prices.” The difference will be giving to the poorer individual at the register.
  • Bitter Middle Class, Blue Collar, Gun toting, Bible lovers may shop on Sundays only between the hours of 9:00 am and 12:00 pm.
  • Special shopping carts available for Muslims, Buddhists, paganisms, scientologists, environmentalists, Satanists, and atheists. Carts are intended to accommodate your religious practices. (ex: pull out kneeling prayer pads, mini-Buddha carvings, incense, pentagrams and candles, beakers and Bunsen-burners, recyclable material, and black powder coating with horns, or unembellished chrome.)

o Crosses not allowed on store property.

  • All Customers will be handed mandatory CO2 emission thermometers upon entrance. CO2 output per customer will be added to charges at the register.

o Holding your breath is not permitted.

  • Some products and services may not be available to you because of your substantial income, suitable housing, or SUV – Please ask customer service for a list when entering the store.
  • No books containing knowledge, facts, or controversial ideas will be available for purchase without a permit

o Bibles not sold.

  • Sena-mart will close daily between 12:00 pm and 2:00 pm for lunch. Those shopping after 2:00 pm must come prepared for extremely disgruntled sometimes postal government employees.
  • 25% sales tax most shoppers will receive will supply medical benefits for those people too lazy to get it on their own.
  • 13% sales tax to the financially stable will provide benefits to people to stupid to buy a house they could actually afford.
  • 10% sales tax will benefit global warming propaganda.
  • 2% sales tax may go to education but most likely to government representative salaries.
  • Doors entering and exiting the store will be monitored buy “boundary control” personnel (not permitted to enforce regulations) and hidden cameras (not expected to function) to ensure customer safety.
  • Sena-mart employees reserve the right to add, amend, enforce, or ignore all shopping rules and regulations at their digressions.

Shop happy, ‘cause you can’t go anywhere else.

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